Cubicle of the Mindless

All started with a ICQ conversation I had in mid '03. Typing away in my room in Currie, with nothing 2 fill the temporary void I was in except the Internet. Sad, but true. It was my only means of contact with people at home. Friends I had a few then, but still too new. Everything was too new.

I had not sensed anything different about me, as I continued tapping on the keyboard. So much distance, yet my words conveyed something. Through this cold but effective way of communication, he could tell I was different.

He did not ask. He was sure, & so he told me that I had changed. His words were simple & precise, "You've changed, that's not so good".

Somehow, I was not all that surprised. I knew I wasn't radically different, but I wasn't how I used to be either. Perhaps it was the recent break-up, or a phase of adjustment 2Uni, or even just the freedom given to me in a foreign land.

It might have even been everything. The fact remained that I wasn't the same, or just that this other side of me resurfaced again. I was like a cocktail of negative thoughts & emotions. I viewed my surroundings through the eyes of a pessimist. That also gave me a gloomy sketch of the near future.

Made me think back on how I was before, during the time we knew each other in the army. How different I was back then. Army life was terrible not because of its monotony, or the endless work that had to be done.

It was so because we were treated like beings without pride & dignity. All we had was one another & we persevered. I was optimistic about things, because I knew these buddies would be there all the way.

I wasn't in such company back in mid '03. Everything was just too new & foreign. Yet it made me realise what I should do, or at least try to do. It was not easy to be optimistic though, not for me at least.

Nothing for me to feed on. Back in the days of 46SAR, the support I had fuelled my spirit & optimism... Now?? Dunno.... Time to look for something within myself I guess...

Shall continue this another day, this should b a part 1?? erm.. lets not make it a trilogy.... I'll continue & end it with another entry in a few days time...