Cubicle of the Mindless

Ok.... I kinda realised that my blog still isn't what I wanted it 2b.... Bits & pieces of tots have not been written down... The very purpose of me having this blog was to share such tots with my frnds.

Yet, the only things I've managed to convey thru my blog are superficial fotos... I kinda lsot my direction there... The priority in the selection of details of my life got messed up... I ended up presenting what any mere stranger could have observed from the outside, & not my very inner tots....

This is not to say that I regard posting fotos as superficial. I think its juz pointless if I only show you one side of my life.... Yar, so you'll noe wats going on, how I look now, where I've been.... But you wun noe wat I'm thinking rite??

Why did it only dawn upon me now? I dunno, but it hit me as I was toking to a Best frnd, & I kept saying stuff that I felt I should have also told you pple out there. Things that I wanted 2 share, & din managed 2. Not thru MSN, ICQ, fone, or face2face communications...

It juz boils down to 1 simple thing, 'complacency'... Always never manage 2get down to doing it. So I shall start from this very moment, & hope I'll be able to push on from there....
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Silence

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This has been a great issue of confusion for me. Silence, a trait that is possessed by most individuals to varying extents. Its a really strong characteristic that I have, & sometimes I'd wish I never had.

Is it a manifestation of meekness, or that of confidence? Will it be the root of my demise, or the source of my strength? I really don't know.

I've been a quiet teenager for most of my life. Alright, not that quiet, & I've only lived for close to 24yrs, but thats not really the point. The point is, somehow I actually grew from a lively & extroverted little kid, to a teenage introvert. I had this inferiority complex thru-out secondary sch, & junior college.

Things weren't that bad, since this inferiority went well with my lack of excellent social communication skills. So I wasn't the friendliest person at 1st sight. Not the kind who could strike a conversation easily. I desired to make more friends, yet always feared it. I chose not to speak that much, coz I would end up saying the wrong things.

Yet, deep down, I knew it wasn't good for me. I din like how I was, & envied the socially oriented. I soon created 2classes of pple. The socially-oriented, who have loads of friends & were extremely popular, & the socially-incapables, who like me would juz wallow in self-pity.
(ok... I'm overly-simplifying things. They'd seem abit more severe than they should be)

Over the years, despite of that, I remained true to myself. I never tried 2b who I wasnt. I couldnt act like as if I had great 'PR' skills, or I might juz end up being too superficial. So, I was very slow in making frnds, & only a few I've made. My social circle is small, & even now, I'm lamenting about it.

However, in the absence of outstanding social skills, something good grew. While I lacked a glib tongue, I was also deprived of the opportunity of ever being superficial to my friends. Each of the friends that I've met, I communicated with sincerity. No patronising words or false flattery.

Perhaps it has never been apparent to me, but becuase of my silence, I also learned how 2listen. Instead of trying attract some1's attention, I all could offer was the ability to be quiet & listen. So over the years, I'm glad to know that my friends would pour their hearts out to me.

By listening, I was less judgemental.... A slow mouth that I was not one who was quick to comment. With all the stuff I've heard, I realised how different pple are... My silence benefitted me in 1 more way, 1 that my mom always told me of. The power of observation.

Only after goin thru a particular problem in my life currently, am I able to appreciate this gift. Observation saved me from calling the wrong person my friend. It opened my eyes to the schemes & plots of the one who appears 2b sincere. Observation protected me from the lies of the one who was out to make use of people.

Through my silence, I saw how the outspoken is trying 2 create a facade 2 hide his lowliness. How words can be so cheap so some, & they'd use it to hoodwink others. Talk isn't always a sign of confidence. For some, it is a sign of weakness & a tool of deception.

I know I would continue to lament about my lack of social skills in the days to come. For now, I'm glad that it has served me well, coz I know the silent is much stronger than the loud-mouths, & he'd prefer real frns than numerous acquaintances.